Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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