The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
