I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
