Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
