Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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