Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
