the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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