now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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