I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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