You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
