I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Your dad touched me again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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