someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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