erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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