Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
