im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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