I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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