Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
