tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
