As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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