I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
