so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Someone came in the potted fern
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
