Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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