Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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