i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
