today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
