Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
