I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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