I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
