He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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