It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
