Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize