I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
