I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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