I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you win again, gameday.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
