Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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