he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
