cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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