There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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