just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
