At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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