2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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