and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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