why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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