Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
