I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize