tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
