when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think I sprained my soul last night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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