Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
