I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
