Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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