im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
