Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
