ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
