Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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