How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
