Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
