My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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