sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
