my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
