A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
