last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
