Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
