I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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