I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
