I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize