I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There's a naked man in my car right now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
