I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
