So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
