last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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