Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
