im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
