I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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