You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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